Raven's thread got me thinking. So I updated my blog about the gym.
My request of 24 Hour Fitness
http://midgetarmy.com/
---When you hire personal trainers, please hire ones that are in shape. You would think this to be common sense, however it is obvious to me that it isn?t common sense to you. If you went into to Hooters and a dude walked over to take your order, how would you feel? Slighted? What about a girl with a pancake rack serving you wings?
I actually witnessed one of your slob trainers out in the parking lot smoking a cigarette in his car, windows up, car off, temperature damn near 85 degrees here in Irvine.
If this isn?t common sense, here is a good scale for you to go by. If I can kick your personal trainers ass, don?t hire them.
---Can you please take Sean Paul?s ?I got da right temperature for you to get iiit ooon?? out of the music rotation? Honestly, that song has been on repeat since 2002, time for a change. You are running a gym, not the MTV Beachhouse. Anything else would be better at this point.
I know; I should have an IPOD. Well fuck you, I don?t, it broke. I pay my dues, please apply some of them to something else, even Nelly would be fine. If I hear that stupid song one more time while I am trying to flex my biceps in the mirror I may well beat up one of your personal trainers for sport.
---Please send out a memo to all the out of shape people in your gym that reads:
The reason you are out of shape is because when you go to the gym, you spend most of your time waiting behind Cory for him to leave his machine.
Seriously? These people need to understand, if a machine is taken, go grab a fucking dumb bell and do something else until that machine opens up. I assure you, the machine I am working out on isn?t the difference between where you are now and where deal a meal says you should be.
Burn calories. Don?t just stand there. And for god?s sake, don?t talk to me.
"Bro, how many more reps you got?"
"I am going to sit here until my body disintigrates into ash. Take your notepad down to the "stripper dance class."
---Please tell your personal trainers to stop racking and unracking the weights for people. They need to burn calories, yet you carry the big balls across the room for them and then you pull down 10-pound weights and clamp them to the bars?
Well lets not be bothered to actually do anything strenuous while at the gym! Hey, build them a fucking greek chariot while you are at it and loft them down the steps on your shoulders!
---Your locker rooms are starting to look like a Turkish bath. I realize people need to change and shower and this requires nudity, however, just laying around the locker room nude and blow-drying your pubic nest with the HAND dryers is totally beyond the point of the locker room. Somewhere, the concept of the locker room got lost in translation.
---There are several people that are simply in the way and I am encouraging you to revoke their memberships.
1) The weight droppers: These are the guys that load up a bar with a ton of weights and then pretend they are worthy of lifting it. Instead, they pick it up a quarter of the way (as far as they can) and just drop it obnoxiously while grunting hoping that the milfs will all turn around and go ?wooo, isn?t he strong, I should give him my number next time I see him in the steam room.?
2) The stag guys: Tell these guys to stop showing up at the gym and leaning on machines hoping to meet milfs. I have no issue with someone using the gym to get tail, but at least use the machines. This isn?t a MySpace luncheon.
3) The ponytail guys: I don?t need to go into detail here, this one is obvious. Revoke.
4) The dumb bell dummies: These idiots are the ones that grab dumb bells and lift them above the dumb bell rack from which they grabbed the dumb bells. Are you fucking kidding me? Because of this, we all have to form a line behind them while they ?pump iron? as close to the mirror as possible, waiting to get our own dumb bells that they are hovering over. Look, they need to step back like the rest of us and curl from an acceptable and polite distance from the mirror.
That should do it. The way I see it, you are just a few flaws away from making Magic and Cindy happy campers.
Until next time,