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Old 04-23-2012, 12:04 PM   #1
Rochard
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When family members pass

My father died when I was nine months old, and the only people who have died in my family have been my grandparents whom I was never close to. A friend of mine just had her father pass away, and she's on Facebook moaning and groaning and posting up pictures of him.

Is this normal when a close family member dies?
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Old 04-23-2012, 12:08 PM   #2
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Unfortunately, what was once considered normal has been forever changed by social media.

It's not normal to me but then again, neither is texting a full conversation back and forth. Yet, people do it all the time.
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Old 04-23-2012, 12:09 PM   #3
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Yes, it appears some people do, even when their pets die. I, on the other hand, have a great need to keep my mouth shut.
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Old 04-23-2012, 02:36 PM   #4
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I've had a lot of people I love die on me. None of us are social media animals. A member of a close friend's family dies, its all Get together, be there if they need you, have some laughs, eat some food, tell - or laugh at - some old jokes, carry the coffin.

When I die, I don't want Facebook or Twitter - or GFY - to know. Or care. Death is a very personal thing. One good friend means more than 1000 pathetic, patronizing IPad shitheels.

Be there in person, or shut the fuck up.
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Old 04-23-2012, 02:38 PM   #5
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I dont think i would take my grief to social media.

I'd be in my bedroom with a bucket of chicken and a bottle of vodka.
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Old 04-23-2012, 02:42 PM   #6
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Old 04-23-2012, 02:43 PM   #7
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I've been lucky in that I've had very few of the people most important to me die. As they age I know that will change and I am not looking forward to it.

I was in the hospital when my grandfather died and still in during his funeral. One of my only regrets in life, despite it being out of my control.
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Old 04-23-2012, 02:48 PM   #8
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everyone is an individual human being
exactly. While I dont agree with how other people handle things... its hypocritical to sit and say that its not understandable or right when you simply feel the other way about it.

I dont mind people "moaning and groaning" when it first happens. What I dont like is when I see people making fanpages and facebook profiles for dead people.

I have a friend on here that passed and its just her page and I get reminders once inawhile because no one has deleted it. But I also see "people I may know" that are dead and its just their family or friend making the page and keeping it up and going just to keep their thought alive? I dont know... that part I dont like.
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Old 04-23-2012, 02:50 PM   #9
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I'd be in my bedroom with a bucket of chicken and a bottle of vodka.
I'd do the same (especially the chicken part), but I'd probably put like one or two pics on facebook and say something on twitter. I happen to be immersed in social media and would feel the need to share a few seconds of my grief.
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Old 04-23-2012, 02:50 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by Rochard View Post
My father died when I was nine months old...

A friend of mine just had her father pass away, and she's on Facebook moaning and groaning and posting up pictures of him.

Is this normal when a close family member dies?
Quote:
Originally Posted by AaronM View Post
Unfortunately, what was once considered normal has been forever changed by social media.
Indeed. Seems to be what others are doing now a days in today's society when something like that happens. Months of ranting, pictures, and prayers for their loved ones.

I can't relate, as my parents were gone in my early teens, the rest of my family gone by 20 other than a sibling.

While the computer age was more a less going into full swing, you did not have the social networks, and all of the "outlets" you have today. Seems now.... everyone gets an ongoing public tribute as if they were a celebrity.

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Old 04-23-2012, 02:55 PM   #11
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I don't mind the public grieving if they were really close to the person.

What I can't stand are the people that never had a nice thing to say about somebody but as soon as that person dies they become a wreck. Shut the fuck up you worthless attention whore.
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Old 04-23-2012, 02:59 PM   #12
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Originally Posted by Rochard View Post
My father died when I was nine months old, and the only people who have died in my family have been my grandparents whom I was never close to. A friend of mine just had her father pass away, and she's on Facebook moaning and groaning and posting up pictures of him.

Is this normal when a close family member dies?
Yes. It helps her mourn with others who knew him, other family members, and friends that knew him. Especially when families and friends are spread apart so much around the nation. It's as important or more to her as whether someone wants to share a song, a recipe, or whatever. Social media provides the tools to customize who sees specific posts but she may not be thinking about sharing it only with certain people and then everyone else is seeing it too, or maybe she thought you were a close enough friend that you wouldn't be bothered with it. I think the respectful thing to do is just Unsubscribe from her posts for awhile if it bugs you, or wait it out. No different than people posting here about their loss of famil or pets here really. I've had a great deal of loss in my family lately, and some of my relatives are mourning this way too.
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Old 04-23-2012, 03:01 PM   #13
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I dont think i would take my grief to social media.

I'd be in my bedroom with a bucket of chicken and a bottle of vodka.
I honestly do not know what I would do at this point. It's been 20 years thankfully.

It's not to say that I have not had members of my high school graduating class, or others I have know die (friends of friends, acquaintances, etc.). Some of my friend's parents are starting to get to that age, and they are getting their first taste of death/loss.

They will ask me how I dealt with it, and I can honestly say no clue. It's been almost 30 years with my parents, and 20 for grandparents. None of which honestly could be applicable to someone who had gotten to enjoy the company, guidance, and security of having their parents around half their lives. Simply no comparison.

For the most part I am awkward in those situations, if not emotionally dead.

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Old 04-23-2012, 03:22 PM   #14
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For the most part I am awkward in those situations, if not emotionally dead.

Same here. If they are close. I break down once and then from then on I am near stone when it comes to the situation. People always ask me at funerals or "after parties" how I handle like I do. I have my thoughts but I suppress them visually. I dont bring it up and I dont glorify. Makes it easier for me and helps others stay strong.
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Old 04-23-2012, 03:36 PM   #15
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I've never been through this or anything close.

My wife's brother died shortly after I met her - twenty years ago - and they still "celebrate" his death every year. It just seems so odd to me.

My father died when I was nine months old, and nothing was ever said to me when I was a kid. I know when his birthday is (next month really) and the day he died. It's in my google calendar, and I'll think about it briefly that day but I don't even mention it to anyone.
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Old 04-23-2012, 03:39 PM   #16
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How much of their life they want to share depends on the Facebook user. I have read articles about some Facebook users thinking about privacy issues. Think about whether Facebook is taken seriously these days or not. Is a lot of it - spam?

Perhaps creating an obituary in a paper newspaper is more proper.
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Old 04-23-2012, 03:44 PM   #17
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Paul O'Neill was a Yankee right fielder who's father died during a world series. When members of the press criticized his decision to play and miss his fathers funeral he stared at the guy and said something like "my father would come back and kick my ass if I missed playing in the world series just because he died" Never forget that interview.

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Old 04-23-2012, 05:12 PM   #18
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Originally Posted by Rochard View Post
My father died when I was nine months old, and the only people who have died in my family have been my grandparents whom I was never close to. A friend of mine just had her father pass away, and she's on Facebook moaning and groaning and posting up pictures of him.

Is this normal when a close family member dies?
Of course. People need to get it out. If they have no one to talk to in person they'll go to the web. Just like the guy on GFY who lost his Cat about a month ago and posted all those songs and poems. It's normal.
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Old 04-23-2012, 05:59 PM   #19
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My best friend of 33 years died 1 year and 9 months ago. It is hard to get over. I will never be the same.
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Old 04-23-2012, 06:41 PM   #20
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Totally unreasonable to expect someone to mourn with their friends and family . . . . especially those that can not be there in person.


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Old 04-23-2012, 07:17 PM   #21
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Yes. It helps her mourn with others who knew him, other family members, and friends that knew him. Especially when families and friends are spread apart so much around the nation. It's as important or more to her as whether someone wants to share a song, a recipe, or whatever. Social media provides the tools to customize who sees specific posts but she may not be thinking about sharing it only with certain people and then everyone else is seeing it too, or maybe she thought you were a close enough friend that you wouldn't be bothered with it. I think the respectful thing to do is just Unsubscribe from her posts for awhile if it bugs you, or wait it out. No different than people posting here about their loss of famil or pets here really. I've had a great deal of loss in my family lately, and some of my relatives are mourning this way too.
I could not have said it better myself.

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I've never been through this or anything close.

My wife's brother died shortly after I met her - twenty years ago - and they still "celebrate" his death every year. It just seems so odd to me.
One of my nephews died when he was 23. His mom and siblings celebrate his "life" every year. It is their way of remembering and honoring him. Plus, I'm sure it helps them deal with this void in their lives.

Everyone deals with grief and loss in the way that best keeps them sane. There is no right or wrong way or any specific set of rules to follow. Some people shut down. Some, reach out in any venue possible, social media included.

I sincerely feel for your friend and her loss. I have not lost my parents yet, but something tells me when I do, I will be a chicken eating, vodka drinking, crazy assed Facebook, Twittering fool.
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Old 04-23-2012, 09:13 PM   #22
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Yes, it appears some people do, even when their pets die. I, on the other hand, have a great need to keep my mouth shut.
When my dad died in 07, I told my wife to tell her family I don't want anyone to say their sorry. Maybe I'm an asshole, but I deal with things differently than her family, and I was not looking forward to getting a bunch of phone calls about it.
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Old 04-23-2012, 09:36 PM   #23
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It doesnt bother me. Its not for me to say how other people should grieve someone they loved, or shouldnt. Its not for anyone else to say how I should do it either.
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Old 04-23-2012, 10:34 PM   #24
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My Dad passed away exactly 2 months ago and I'm still a fuckin wreck- He was 90 and had a good life, but 2 years ago broke his hip in the hospital, and than things just got worse and worse until he died.
You find out quickly just how deep friends and families love is when someone is in long term care...I thought my extended family was tight, but...somehow excuses and indignities kept piling up from everyone but me. -and I became resented for being there so much- the contrast was so great. He died knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that most his family didn't consider him worth the effort. And yet he was a fantastic dad! I wish I had done more to alert my family as to the importance of being with and comforting them when they are alone in some fucking care home, frightened like a child, barely cared for, by overworked staff.- but they knew...
Whoops sorry, back to thread..
I'm not a social network guy, but I can see the appeal in wanting to vent online, especially when the truth is far to painful to all who are physically close to you. I guess if I still felt close to anyone I would have worn them thin by now, and spreading it out online might help spread the load..So yeah, I guess I can understand it. My siblings who weren't around much, have made a big deal after his death with photo tributes etc online, and that smacks of guilt to me,-and perhaps it helps them, but I take no pleasure from these tributes and fine words... too little too late.
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